Frankly Raising Graces: That's the Ticket!

Consistency.

For our family, I know consistency is the best answer to encouraging and helping our children become confident, respectful, kind & happy people. All parents want their kids to "be nice" to others, share, listen, and be cooperative but there certainly is no magic formula to raising a happy, independent child who can interact well with peers - but we all strive for just this.

I have read and re-read several parenting books, including Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting and Selma Fraiberg's The Magic Years and I admit to watching more than a few episodes of SuperNanny. Wherever your beliefs fall on the discipline spectrum, I find elements of different child-rearing philosophies intriguing, especially the insight into a child's development of reasoning shared in Fraiberg's book. But, every child is unique and I truly believe that the majority of content in parenting books only serves to reinforce what parents KNOW they SHOULD be doing; but what we SHOULD be doing, simply put, is HARD.

For me, the challenge lies in consistency, especially with my oldest daughter Lena (set turn four next month) - she is much like me in that she is stubborn, ambitious and intense. All resourceful personality traits when put to good use but they can also be a thorn in one's side if they are allowed to manifest in aggressive forms. Together, Lena and I are either operating in flawless unison evoking joy or we are stirring the storm clouds which rain down with Lena's tears & Mommy's guilt. I often find that our struggles come in clusters and I can draw a direct connection between my reactions and her behavior and the cycle that ensues.

This December, my husband and I revamped our reward chart (I know not all agree with an extrinsic reward system but you gotta do what works for you). We use it in combination with all sorts of discipline from time-outs to positive reinforcement & praise to what I feel is paramount - setting an example through our actions and relationships with one another.

The new reward system included an updated set of positively minded House Rules and a ticket system where Lena can earn tickets when we catch her "being good" - which is outlined by but not limited to the house rules. When she earns five tickets, she gets to play a Princess game on the family laptop, a coveted treat.

Lena has been very receptive to our ticket system but we have lacked consistency the last three weeks with rewarding tickets. With a return to a proactive approach along with consistency, we can help her remember the expectations and strive to meet them. We plan to revive the ticket system ASAP as battles have been brewing recently.

Though an extrinsic motivator, each ticket earned builds pride and self-confidence as we help Lena to feel good about herself and her actions. Praising the good deed and occasionally helping her reflect on how it made her feel. (We do this for mistakes, too!) Self-analysis is a powerful tool and this post, in turn, is my version of recognizing some mistakes I have made recently with reacting to Lena's behavior in less than acceptable way (cue the Mom guilt).

Here are snapshots of our ticket system...all decked out in the flavor of the week - PRINCESS: